Today I worked on “The New App” and afterwards went down to Bar 109 to perform at a Stand Up Open Mic. I did the following jokes
Making Fun of Names
They say it’s not nice to make fun of people’s names… but when your name is Sukh Mandeep. How can I not laugh at that?
Sukh Mandeep. Who else would you suck deep? You can’t suck a woman deep, it has to be a man!
At work you’ll probably call him Sukh, or Mandeep or maybe just SM. Even hearing part of the name you’re going to think “This guy goes deep”.
The principal at my primary school was called Mr Dick. Someone once asked him why his name is Mr Dick “Well it’s because that’s what my Dad’s last name was”.
I didn’t know it at the time, but Mr Dick was gay. That’s a really good name for a gay man. He sounds like a gay superhero. Not the best name for a primary school principal, but he made it work.
The principal of the primary school was called Mr Dick, and the principal of the secondary school was called Mr Johnson.
MTR Where Do You Live?
Ever been on the MTR with someone you don’t know well, and they say “where do you live?”
Really they’re asking “how much longer do I have to tolerate your company?”
I went to visit my Mum recently, and my Aunt wanted me to bring some stuff over for her. Fine I said. Then she said “I’ll treat you to lunch”.
What’s this? A double punishment?
So we’re at lunch and she says “Where’s that dinner next week? Is it near crown plaza?”
I’ve never heard of Crown Plaza, it was probably demolished twenty years ago.
“I dunno”. So I look it up, and show her on the map. She looks at it and says
“So is it near Crown Plaza or not?” “I dunno” “Ahh whatever, I’ll get your Dad to take me there on the day.”
One time I was at a funeral, and my uncle came up to me with a big smile.
“Hey, guess how I got here” “I dunno” “I drove, know how I figured out the route?” “A map?”
He looked at me like I was retarded.
“No! YouTube, I watched a guy drive from Central to Sham Tseng.
The boomers of Hong Kong do not like maps. “Fuck the maps!” they say. I reckon some time around 1965, the national map of Hong Kong did something truly terrible, and the boomers still aren’t over it.
Dad and Oranges
One day, quite late at night, I get a call from my Dad. “Come downstairs”. Then he hangs up.
I go downstairs, and see my Dad getting out of a taxi with six bags of oranges. Where the fuck did he get those?
Turns out he went to some large banquet, and at the end everyone got an orange. People didn’t want the oranges, so Dad asked the staff to pack up all the oranges for him.
I said to Dad “Are we going to juice these?” “No, I don’t like orange juice”
I remember opening the fridge one morning and [LEAN BACK] “Fuck it’s pretty orange in here”.
The next day for dinner we had two pieces of toast and ten oranges.
I had this two for one movie coupon. So I asked my Dad to watch a movie with me. The ticket was $100, so I asked Dad to give me back $50.
He was like “Nah it’s free” ”Nah I still had to pay $100” He said “That’s right. Buy one for $100, get one free $0. We’ve got to follow the rules.”